I know that friendship is a huge theme in my blogs but I really think that it’s an interesting concept and it quite frequently occupies my thoughts. One reason that I think that it may occupy my thoughts a lot is because I am constantly worried about if I am being a good friend/if someone even wants me as a friend and I’ve come to realize that, sometimes, my worries are valid. I am often not a good friend and, in the past, I’ve tried to befriend people who want nothing to do with being good friends with me.
I’ve often wondered if my thoughts around friendship just point to me being antisocial. In fact, I have probably used that word to label myself several times but in writing this blog I’ve done some research that seems to suggest that I’m not antisocial.
Antisocial: not sociable; not wanting the company of others
Sociable: willing to talk and engage in activities with other people; friendly
Friendly: kind and pleasant
In writing this blog, I wanted to understand what the word antisocial really meant so I looked it up. This definition lead me to asking what sociable meant so I looked that up too. Sociable lead me to wondering what friendly meant. First I want to point out that it is not true that I don’t want the company of others. I enjoy the company of others but one thing I do notice is that being around those who I can’t let my guard down around is extremely exhausting. The sad thing is, due to my anxieties around friendship and others in general, I feel as though I can rarely let my guard down. It always seems like just as I get comfortable enough with a person to let my guard down and let them in they end up hating who I really am. This just gives me all the more reason not to let my guard down. Despite this, I still enjoy the company of people, even those who I don’t let in.
Second, I don’t think I’m not sociable. I am willing to talk to whoever, whenever. I always make it a point to be available if anyone ever needs to talk. I love it when people reach out to me and invite me to do things. I’m always willing to talk but I’m not always willing to initiate and I think that is one big issue. If I never reach out to someone, how are they supposed to know that I appreciate them and want to be friends with them? Here is a hint, they don’t know that. But I’m afraid. I hate reaching out. I hate being a bother. I’m sure I’ve already expressed all of these feelings before and in more detail.
Finally, I don’t think I’m unfriendly. I make it a point to be a genuinely friendly person. I try to always be kind and despite not always being sunshine and rainbows, I aim to be pleasant.
So upon analysis, I’m not antisocial. Perhaps I just have some social anxieties that I must overcome in order to acquire friendships on the level that I desire. Perhaps I’m less than likable and I am just unable to see that. I just want to apologize to anyone out there who is trying/has tried to be my friend. I don’t make it easy and I don’t reach out. I want nothing more to be friends with you but for some reason I can’t accept that you would want to be friends with me and because of that, to truly be my friend, you’ll have to really prove that you WANT to be friends with me.